66 Meanwhile, Peter was in the courtyard below. One of the servant girls who worked for the high priest came by 67 and noticed Peter warming himself at the fire. She looked at him closely and said, “You were one of those with Jesus of Nazareth.[a]”
68 But Peter denied it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, and he went out into the entryway. Just then, a rooster crowed.[b]
69 When the servant girl saw him standing there, she began telling the others, “This man is definitely one of them!” 70 But Peter denied it again.
A little later some of the other bystanders confronted Peter and said, “You must be one of them, because you are a Galilean.”
71 Peter swore, “A curse on me if I’m lying—I don’t know this man you’re talking about!” 72 And immediately the rooster crowed the second time.
Suddenly, Jesus’ words flashed through Peter’s mind: “Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny three times that you even know me.” And he broke down and wept.
-Mark 14:66-72
What a scene, right? Peter, the man whom Jesus Himself had said was the rock on whom He would build His church[1] not only denied knowledge and accompanying Christ, but also swore a curse on Himself[2]. One of the most obvious questions we might ask is, “Why Peter? Why did you do it?” We would likely follow it with a line of questions like these: “Didn’t you know who He was? Didn’t you believe Him? Hadn’t He told you He was the Messiah? Why did you follow Him to begin with? And you bail now?” Peter had walked with the GodMan Jesus Christ in close personal fellowship for three years having witnessed unexplainable miracles, clear teaching and explanation of what was going to happen as they walked to the cross, even to the point Peter rebuked Christ for saying the things He was saying[3], and then this series of denials in what would be the darkest hours of human existence. Peter and I have much in common.
The Word of God is my life. I mean that in several senses. It is seriously my bread. I cannot go long without reaching for my tattered $7 dollar gift NASB or a phone or google search to jump in its pages. If you were to take the Bible from me, I do not know how I would live. If you think I am bragging, keep reading. My goal of this blog is not self-exaltation. I just really love and need my Bible. It has helped me in jail. It has helped me on the road when I was away from those I love. It has held me when I was struggling to become a man. It has been my only friend or brother in times where the rest of the world seemed to be out to destroy me and cause any pain they could. It has never left me with less hope than I came to it with.
Christ is my life and Christ is the incarnate Word of God.[4] The Word of God is a person. It is a very particular person to be clear. It is Jesus of Nazareth. He is alive today and has come to me by His word[5], which is the gospel, and by His Spirit[6]. For some reason, which can only be grace, I understood it (the message of the gospel).[7] I cannot explain why. I’m a generally pitiful person with no value I can claim on my own. Anyone who has known me well throughout my life can tell you that before the gospel brought me life I was about worthless. On the surface I may have seemed to be of value, but if you got close enough to be in the vicinity of the true work of my heart, you would pay for it as soon as I wasn’t getting what I wanted from you.
But Christ came to me first as a GodKing set on freeing me. Then he was a brother who loved me, though I viewed Him more as a good neighbor in reality. That love grew and went back and forth between king, then neighbor/brother, back to king, then on to neighbor/brother, and so on. Over the years He has become a friend and confidant. I have also felt the back and forth with God in brother/Father. I get so lost in talking to God that I seem to lean one way. On some days I have seen my brother Jesus as a Father. That has been more natural due to some personal matters I’m going through in relation to my own father. Regardless, He is “the” life[8] and in my darkest hours He has given me life when I might otherwise be ready to let it go.
I Don’t Believe God
I have walked with Jesus. He has taught me personally. The marks of our time together are on my life. I wear them wherever I go. He has carried me. I have seen Him work miracles like stretching meals and sending help when we need it most at the very last minute. And even though I have seen clearly that Jesus is all He has said He is, I find there are times I don’t believe God. Peter’s denials are recorded. Everyone gets to see them in their horrendous clarity. There is no question as to Peter’s fear and lack of loyalty. His unbelief is captured for the remainder of eternity[9]. Peter fell. The rock[10] was shaken[11].
I struggle with trust. I don’t trust anyone to be honest. I don’t even trust my own mind. That’s why I need God’s word. But even though I read it and do my best to live it out, I find that so many times I end up trusting so many things other than what God has said. I protect my life instead of laying it down if God has decided to take it. I do that by manipulating circumstances to make money or stay in good graces of those who might seek to hurt me. I keep my mouth closed when I see injustice or evil at times out of fear for one reason or another. I withhold the gospel because I am convinced it is not “the time or place.” And I am more faithful to keep a job than I am to do the only thing worth remaining alive for—preach the gospel. I have let men and women leave my life and continue on the road to Hell because I was more worried about cordial relationships and making child support and rent payments than warning them and sharing the only power of God unto salvation.
I hate to say I have been ashamed of the gospel, but I cannot say I have lived completely unashamed or without fear of sharing it for one reason or another.
See, Peter and I have something in common. He denied Christ when his life may very well have been on the line after having known Him and being known by Him. I have denied Him so many days in my head and heart which has been clearly perceived through my actions. For this we have both been broken. My most broken state, the one I still struggle with daily, is that of 6-9 months ago where God made a fear of death so clear to me that in my head I was willing to act as though I denied Christ in order to save my skin if it came down to it. I can’t explain the experience beyond what John Bunyan might describe as Christian’s trek through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and his time in Doubting Castle. That book[12] has proven a comfort to me.
What Was Lost When I Doubted God
All of my glory was lost. I am a broken man. I needed restoration. I still need restoration. Any hope I may have had in myself or my abilities has been lost. I can no longer claim any dignity in my “faithfulness.” I have felt the mark of Cain on my back. I have wandered. I have drowned in tears for my failures and anguished night upon night because of the reality of He whom I have doubted and lived in rebellion against. I have felt the hopelessness of talking myself into believing or “making my mind up.” In reality, I am needy, helpless, and without hope….apart from Christ. But His word is true. He has held me and will continue to hold me. He is still my life. I cry out “Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief” alongside the father in Mark 9:24. I seek to feel the wounds as Thomas did[13]. And many days I am so much like Peter that it can be heartbreaking as I mutter the same weak response to Jesus in hard times that I wish I could flee from: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”[14]
But There Is Hope
But there is hope when I don’t believe God. Jesus came to Peter and personally restored Him[15]. He healed the father’s son after his request to help his unbelief[16]. He placed Thomas hands on the wounds after admitting his inability to believe otherwise[17]. Where condemnation was deserved and should most likely be present, we find none. Instead, we find a humble, gentle, patient, loving, self-controlled God who takes us by the hand and restores us into fellowship. He has given Himself and He continues to give Himself. Because of His mercy and grace, today I bow my face before Him and say alongside Thomas “My Lord and My God!”